Saturday, September 24, 2011

A Family-Friendly Fart Chart

UPDATE: see picture at bottom. 

By way of introduction to today's topic, please view the following. If you find this offensive, please move along; there is nothing more for you to see here.

Is that not masterful? At first, both Will Farrell and Charles C. Reilly had such straight faces that I couldn't tell which one was the culprit.

And now, another one for reference. (We will be using these two examples for testing our rating system.) Wait for it ... wait for it ...

On to our discussion.

The other night as I drifted off to sleep, one of the two of us in our bed passed wind. I won't say which. The other party, however, was still wide awake enough to mutter, "Good one," the generally accepted acknowledgement of a satisfactory exercise in flatulence.

But it occurred to me that, really, we ought to be more discriminating about breaking wind. I, therefore, have constructed a Family-Friendly Fart Chart for your use and enjoyment. It will be useful in settling arguments in competitive families where farting is considered a skill.

There are, I feel, four factors we can observe in rating farts.
  • Volume of air
  • Stench
  • Auditory properties
  • Visuals
In rating farts, I think we have to agree that, in this case, worse is better. If we wanted greater discretion, we would be the Queen and farts would not exist.

Volume can only be observed, except by the farter, by duration. Though as an experienced producer of gastrointestinal gases, I do wish there were a way we could better evaluate – and score – large-volume-short-duration bursts.
Description     Score
Small poof, like the baby's powder-fart1
Less than or equal to 1-second duration2
Up to 5 seconds duration3
Epic duration, like Charles C Reilly's fart4
In this case, worse is better.
Description     Score
Odourless (I was tempted to give this 0 points, but is any fart really ever worth 0 points?)1
Pungent, like Charles C Reilly's fart, stimulating olfactory senses like taste.3
Epic, room-clearing. The kind that you smell within microseconds after delivery and raises suspicions that there are dead animals in your intestines. 4
Description     Score
Silent (Note that Silent but Deadlies earn extra points in the Stench category.)1
Quiet flutter of cheeks 2
Squeaky (Charles C. Reilly loses points on this score)3
Long, low rumble that reverberates melodically 4
Liquid elements (Sadly, Charles C. Reilly loses points on this score also.) Liquid sound effects are only permissible if the farter can demonstrate extenuating conditions such as being in a bath tub or wearing a wet bathing suit. Sharts are NOT considered a bonus.-1
Here, one earns points for either stealth or other special effects.
Description     Score
Grimace  1
Stolid facial expression. Charles C. Reilly totally nailed this one.2
Visible evidence, like the baby's powder fart or flaming farts. BUT NOT fecal matter! (See above.)3
Cuteness (puppies, kittehs or babies) Hey, it's my chart, so I get to make the rules!4

So, after all that, who wins? The baby or Charles C. Reilly?

Charles C. Reilly's Score
Factor     Score
Auditory2 (He loses 1 point for audible liquid at the end.)

Baby's Score
Factor     Score
Visual7 (bonus points for baby AND powder)
So there you have it: it really was a close call, which is why we NEED a system like this. Feel free to share it broadly. Eventually, we may be able to call out "12 with bonus points for visuals" when someone lets loose a good one.

Disclaimer: Very few people have ever called me "classy," so I don't think I've disillusioned anyone. But if I have, I apologize. Now you know the real me. 

UPDATE: I had to include this, by the ineffable Natalie Dee.
You see why I had to include it, right?


  1. You should lose points for over-advertising, gloating, etc. farting is aboutthe fart, not about the pre- or post-fart talking.

  2. Why thank you! Some things in life are meant to be taken seriously!


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