A Family-Friendly Fart Chart

UPDATE: see picture at bottom. 

By way of introduction to today's topic, please view the following. If you find this offensive, please move along; there is nothing more for you to see here.



Is that not masterful? At first, both Will Farrell and Charles C. Reilly had such straight faces that I couldn't tell which one was the culprit.

And now, another one for reference. (We will be using these two examples for testing our rating system.) Wait for it ... wait for it ...


On to our discussion.

The other night as I drifted off to sleep, one of the two of us in our bed passed wind. I won't say which. The other party, however, was still wide awake enough to mutter, "Good one," the generally accepted acknowledgement of a satisfactory exercise in flatulence.

But it occurred to me that, really, we ought to be more discriminating about breaking wind. I, therefore, have constructed a Family-Friendly Fart Chart for your use and enjoyment. It will be useful in settling arguments in competitive families where farting is considered a skill.

FART FACTORS
There are, I feel, four factors we can observe in rating farts.

• Volume of air
• Stench
• Auditory properties
• Visuals

In rating farts, I think we have to agree that, in this case, worse is better. If we wanted greater discretion, we would be the Queen and farts would not exist.

VOLUME/DURATION
Volume can only be observed, except by the farter, by duration. Though as an experienced producer of gastrointestinal gases, I do wish there were a way we could better evaluate – and score – large-volume-short-duration bursts.

Description

     

Score

       

Small poof, like the baby's powder-fart

1

Less than or equal to 1-second duration

2

Up to 5 seconds duration

3

Epic duration, like Charles C Reilly's fart

4

STENCH
In this case, worse is better.

Description

     

Score

       

Odourless (I was tempted to give this 0 points, but is any fart really ever worth 0 points?)

1

Sweet-scented

2

Pungent, like Charles C Reilly's fart, stimulating olfactory senses like taste.

3

Epic, room-clearing. The kind that you smell within microseconds after delivery and raises suspicions that there are dead animals in your intestines. 

4

AUDITORY PROPERTIES

Description

     

Score

       

Silent (Note that Silent but Deadlies earn extra points in the Stench category.)

1

Quiet flutter of cheeks 

2

Squeaky (Charles C. Reilly loses points on this score)

3

Long, low rumble that reverberates melodically 

4

Liquid elements (Sadly, Charles C. Reilly loses points on this score also.) Liquid sound effects are only permissible if the farter can demonstrate extenuating conditions such as being in a bath tub or wearing a wet bathing suit. Sharts are NOT considered a bonus.

-1

VISUALS 
Here, one earns points for either stealth or other special effects.

Description

     

Score

       

Grimace  

1

Stolid facial expression. Charles C. Reilly totally nailed this one.

2

Visible evidence, like the baby's powder fart or flaming farts. BUT NOT fecal matter! (See above.)

3

Cuteness (puppies, kittehs or babies) Hey, it's my chart, so I get to make the rules!

4

---

So, after all that, who wins? The baby or Charles C. Reilly?

Charles C. Reilly's Score

Factor

     

Score

       

Volume

4

Stench

3

Auditory

2 (He loses 1 point for audible liquid at the end.)

Visual

2

TOTAL

11

Baby's Score

Factor

     

Score

       

Volume

1

Stench

1

Auditory

2

Visual

7 (bonus points for baby AND powder)

TOTAL

11

So there you have it: it really was a close call, which is why we NEED a system like this. Feel free to share it broadly. Eventually, we may be able to call out "12 with bonus points for visuals" when someone lets loose a good one.

Disclaimer: Very few people have ever called me "classy," so I don't think I've disillusioned anyone. But if I have, I apologize. Now you know the real me. 


UPDATE: I had to include this, by the ineffable Natalie Dee.

You see why I had to include it, right?