We all learned this one in kindergarten, right? And yet, I've had to relearn it, at least when it comes to family. More specifically: my mother, here on this blog.
Yesterday, a family member gently observed that I always seemed to be denigrating her and her choices. And he pointed out that while the blog seemed to be therapeutic for me, it isn't right to do so at the expense of my mother's dignity and, furthermore, social media is not the best forum for dealing with complex or damaged relationships.
Ouch.
I couldn't sleep. It's been on my mind all day.
Because he's right, absolutely right. And I am ashamed.
Close to twenty years ago a family event triggered in me a whole mess of emotions and dysfunction -- with consequences that have taken me too long to sort out, including an abrupt end to communication with my mother for a long period of time.
Her recent health crisis has been the impetus for a long-overdue reconciliation, but I have made the mistake of rehashing the cause of our estrangement in just about every post I've written about her. And that's not fair. It's not kind. It's not loving and it's just wrong.
I've been a too quick to snag onto the "confessional" blogging style thinking that honesty and openness are better than secrets and lies. I still believe that, but here's what really happened:
I assumed my mother didn't read the blog and therefore I had no compunctions.
Can you believe my naivete? My callousness?
Here's a lesson everyone needs to learn: If you wouldn't say it to someone's face, then do not put it in writing. Not in an e-mail, a text, a Facebook post, and certainly not on a public blog.
I don't know if anyone has actually read or shown my blog to my mother, but the heat rises to my face when I think about how painful it would be for her to read what I've written. There was a time when that would have been fine with me. (Gosh, vindictiveness is nasty, isn't it?)
Even then, however, I wasn't thinking about the ripple effects: people who love my mother, who have different relationships with her than I ever had, people who have been justifiably deeply offended by my writing. These are people I care about and never intended to hurt, and yet I have.
So I'm making a new policy for this here blog. While I will continue to write about things that are important to me, I will not write anything that would be embarrassing or hurtful to anyone.
So thank you to the person who spoke up. It was brave and honest, and you did it the right way: directly to me. To everyone else, I'm sorry. Very, very sorry.
When I first started reading your blog, I was struck by the honesty. I did cringe when you would share the grit of life (anything from messy houses, relationships, bad habits, no-makeup kind of days, intimacy, failures, etc) but it did encourage me to be more open. We need to share the grit and grace together to be a true reflection of reality. I see your blogs as a moment in time. We are all slightly deceived by sharing to provoke a certain response in others. Thank your for your honesty along this journey.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Martha. I'm sure there's a way to be onset and open -- and be myself-- without hurting anyone. I may still offend people, but that's just the nature of the Internet!
DeleteThat would be "honest" instead of "onset." [Yay for proofreading!]
DeleteThat must be very hard to take. Hopefully everything will get better for you in the future and with your relation with your family.
ReplyDeleteI think things are improving, and this post is a step in the right direction.
DeleteHmmm. Well, on one side this IS your blog and you can write whatever you feel and your readers have appreciated your honesty. Just like you said, it's therapeutic for you. I do understand that it's hurtful to those in your "real life" circles and in the end, you've made the right choice. Maybe you can write about relationship dynamics without mentioning names or pointing fingers. Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteThat's what I'm aiming for: openness without hurtfulness. Wish me luck!
DeleteI love that you had the courage to give thanks to the family member that brought it up to you and that you then followed up by posting it here as a reminder to all of us that blog.
ReplyDeleteThank you for that!!
Thank you, Cynthia. I'm still learning as I go. (I don't intend to ever stop learning!)
DeleteI do feel that we should be able to tell our own stories on our blogs -- that is the whole point afterall. And if someone has not been careful in their treatment towards off, well... it's kinda their own fault if they look bad on my blog. However, like you say: there is no reason for any pettiness or vindictiveness... or just being cruel. the balance is to share our hearts, but not damage any one else in the process. Often, I just don't name names when I speak about an in issue I am dealing with.
ReplyDeleteAlthough, I doubt anyone if my life actually reads my blog because no one ever speaks to me about it.
but I very much respect you for taking this persons' words to heart. Our space are our own, but we should always have the mantra in this world of Do No Harm. :)
Yah, that was sort of my original premise, but then, when I think about it, I've done enough shitty things in my life that I sure wouldn't want to see put on a public blog that . . . well, I need to show a little compassion.
DeleteHaving said that, I don't believe in keeping secrets that hurt.