Lost and Found

Windblown meadow with trashcan lid

How to lose -- and find -- your iPhone.

Step 1: Order a custom photo case that looks roughly like this. (Hey, we didn't say this would be easy or inexpensive.)

The phone number is because you never know.

We call this the "camouflage" design as it so beautifully blends in with nature. (The picture was taken at Stanley Park, Vancouver.)

Step 2: After having watched a video of the horrifying effects of sun damage to skin, generously slather your face with age-spot-fading, high-SPF lotion.

"dark spots" = age spots. Let's be honest.

Smooth the excess lotion onto your hands to help lighten the age spots there.

UPDATE: I somehow failed to mention that this lotion is incredibly slippery, like a Teflon coating. It does not absorb into your hands. Even hours later, something else slipped out of my hands.

Step 3: Go for a very long, sweaty walk on a reasonably hot day.

Step 4: Pause to take a picture off the side of a bridge. With your sweaty, slippery hands, lift your iPhone through the bars to get a clear picture.

Step 5: Watch helplessly as the phone flies into the bushes and tall grass below you.

This is rough reenactment. I didn't think to bring my camera with me when I finally found the phone.

Step 6: Search helplessly for about ten minutes. Go home and fetch help and another cell phone. And a machete so that you can, if necessary hack the bushes back to find the flipping phone.

Pray that the phone's battery doesn't die, that it doesn't rain, and that mowing crews do not visit while you are gone.

Step 7: Within 90 seconds of returning to the site of the incident, glance down and catch a glimpse of the case peeking from beneath the bending grasses, weeds, and branches. This is called being inconceivably lucky.

Based on a true story. Some details have been changed to protect the innocent.