Zombie Foreskins

UPDATED: See comic below.

Personally, I think most mushrooms have a distinctly phallic appearance. Especially the flesh-toned ones.

Am I right?
By Alberto Montt

But most of the mushrooms with which I am familiar do not have the corrugated texture of these, which I spied as I walked around our garden this afternoon.

præputia mortuorum* That's a LOT of zombies.

To my eye, they resembled . . . zombie foreskins. Hence my ad hoc Latin translation of *"foreskins of dead men." (Yay! Google Translate!)

When extricated from its rocky crotch, it doesn't look quite as foreskin-y.

A pair of more juvenile ones.
These look astonishingly testicular, I must say.
Just wrap them in loose skin and there you go!

Of course, I googled to find out of these things are poisonous [Google didn't tell me, but I'm pretty sure they are, otherwise little animals would have eaten them by now. Right?] or rare [Again, Google was no help, but I'm probably going to be nominated for a Nobel Award or something, so stay tuned.], and landed on a site about mushrooms in eastern Ontario. In the 24 pages of pictures of mushrooms in eastern Ontario, I did not see any that looked like the ones in our back yard, though I did see some that looked very like venereal disease.

suillus pictus which translates as "painted like a pig," if I am not mistaken.
Maybe a diseased pig, but not any pig I've ever seen.
(Source - Paul Derbyshire)

But I also saw some that were surprisingly beautiful. And also probably deadly.

clavulina amethystina, which translates as "tiny purple tentacles"
but looks more like purple coral to me.  Or the inside of a geode.
(Source - ember erebus)

If you have a guess as to whether I should stock up our Zombie Apocalypse Supply Kit or just sauté them in butter and garlic, please let me know.

To rinse your brain of all that wrinkly nastiness, here are some flowers, also from our back yard.