Working It

Photo by Cathy Walters Photography. If you live in Colorado Springs, look her up.

Every time I hear couples (celebrities, for the most part) talking about how "marriage is work," I want to run around behind them saying, "No! It's not! It's rewarding!" Because they make it sound like a prison sentence. Having said that, I have to agree: all the best things in life require some effort on your part. Marriage included.

Curb Appeal

Approximately one foot between the tires and the edge of the driveway. 

Last winter, a friend dropped me off at our house and I almost slid under the wheels of his car because there was so little space between the car and the snowbank, given our narrow driveway. So this year, as his summer project, Stephen has built a landing and stairs in our front yard.

The Big Reveal

Clematis and salvia from our garden.
I'm seriously contemplating having this picture printed to hang in the dining room.

Done. The kitchen is done. Done like dinner -- never was that phrase more appropriately used, I think. Let me show you the glory that is now my kitchen.

Kitchen Renovation: Phase I

Phase I: Before
The yellow post-it marks the cabinet that will not be used in the new kitchen.
The white notes indicate what is in each drawer.

Because this corner of the kitchen contains neither appliances nor water hook-ups, it is the logical place to start our renovation, as it will (conceivably, we hope) cause the least disruption.

Statistics and Algorithms

K.B. Sterling, circa 1980

I've already done two retrospective posts on Facebook, and now, here I am, about to do one here on the blog. I'm not going to apologize, however, because I find these periods of looking back to be informative and comforting.

The interesting thing is that the automatically-generated memes don't really allow for much thought or explanation. For example, my Facebook slideshow didn't make much of one of the major events of my year: the premature and unexpected death of my friend K.B.

Good Christmas

As I sit here enjoying my turkey sandwich, I've been trying to figure out what made this Christmas so different from other years. So much better.

It wasn't that I didn't make an all-in Christmas dinner (including egg-wheat-dairy-free variations for one daughter). And it wasn't that I didn't make elaborate to-do lists. (See photo above.)

Forest Follow-Up

The ground in this photo should be covered in snow, but it's not. Instead there is a swath of mulch where the City took down trees in our small forest, in an effort to stop the emerald ash borer from completely decimating the green space.

Nananeye's Muffled Pup - UPDATED

Today's post is actually a recipe for a meat pie, but it requires a bit of a preamble. It is from back in the days when Steve and I were just starting out. Now for the explanation of the recipe's name:

Up Next

Back in May, I highlighted Borderline Personality Disorder and mentioned that a family member struggles with this disorder. What I didn't mention in that post is that Steve and I have decided to become leaders (trainers) for the Family Connections course for people who have a loved one with the disorder.

Before and After

Our newly-painted front door. The yellow and blue flowers are actually hair clips.

The kids in our house are starting to worry that if they stay in one place too long, they are liable to be painted. They may have a point.

Ever since tackling the ghastly-green living room, I've been pumped to splash some colour around.

Grow where you're planted.

Grow where you are planted.

When I was a newlywed military wife, someone told me that it was important to "grow where you're planted." At the time, I thought, "Well, duh," but as years -- and moves -- came and went, I learned it wasn't as easy as all that. And I've known military spouses who've never stopped yearning to get back to that one golden posting . . .

A Tale of Two Weddings

After signing the wedding registry, April 28, 1984

As many military couples have done before, we had two weddings; one for expediency, and one for broader celebration. Here's the tale.

A Hot Day in a Cool Place

If you look at the water in the foreground, you can see two currents meeting each other and creating lots of turmoil.

Best thing about retirement: you don't have to wait for a weekend. Earlier this week -- on a Tuesday! -- we visited friends Yves and Paula who live in a gorgeous condo on the St. Lawrence River. They took us out for a personal tour of the Thousand Islands.

The First Day

Yesterday was Stephen's last day in the military. Today was our first day of being retired together. I have to say: things are off to a great start!

The Last Day

Photo credit: Laurel Martin

A few weeks ago -- before our Internet provider left us hanging -- I started a countdown post for Steve's retirement. I wrote:

We've been talking about Steve's retirement for the past four years. We knew, when we moved back to Ottawa from Colorado, that this would be our last posting. 

It was in the back of our minds as we went house-hunting. It coloured my job-hunting, and factored into our financial planning. Now, here we are, mere days away from Steve's last day in uniform.

Well, here we are. When he walks in the door today, he will be ALL MINE! (Mwah ha ha ha ha!)

It's Steve's last day as an active member of the Canadian Air Force.

Well, hello there!

At lunch before the change-of-appointment parade.

The combination of house guests and a 10-day Internet failure has meant that I've been incommunicado for about two weeks. I've been so busy that I haven't really missed it, but I have periodically felt frustrated that I couldn't share news and pictures with you.

It was a very busy couple of weeks, indeed! Rather than blasting you with all the news in a single post, I'll split the highlights over the next two or three days. Here's the first instalment.

Five Places: Barrie Street

493 Barrie Street, Kingston, Ontario

University students have an astonishing propensity for moving. I lived in a different house or apartment every year that I attended Queen's University in Kingston. But the most memorable house was on Barrie Street.

Thirty Thoughts for Thirty Years

All dressed up for the fancy date!

April 28, 2014 marked thirty years since Stephen and I said, "I do" and joined our lives together before man and god. Best choice I ever made. Here, in no particular order, are my reflections on those thirty years.

Night and Day

Kane, our 11-month-old puppy, looking up at Steve for direction.
You can see the small prong collar nestled into his ruff.
UPDATE: Kane turned one on January 19, 2014.

The last post I wrote about walking Kane demonstrated the nightmare we were facing: the dog would be fine for a while and then just freak out. My friends on Facebook know that it had not improved significantly since that blog post.

The Sorrow Sisters

Our Lady of the Wayside

I went through a period of depression when I was in middle school, and my best friend couldn't understand what I was talking about when I told her. Was I sad? What was I crying about?

"Haven't you ever been depressed?" I asked in astonishment.

"No," she answered frankly. "I guess I haven't."

We looked at each other like we were from different planets. 

I was surprised to learn that there are people who have never been depressed. Depression has been such a regular visitor in my life that, to this day, it astounds me to meet someone who's never experienced it. Like my own husband.

He's been stressed, exhausted, anxious, sad -- he's experienced many, many of the feelings that go along with depression, but he's never had that prolonged inescapable feeling that spirals down to hopelessness, that makes you hate your life and your very own self.

Last fall was pretty bleak for me as I struggled with health issues, stress at work, and depression that didn't want to budge. It was not until I kicked the first two factors out of the way that the mood finally lifted. In fact, it lifted enough that I've been able to go through two significant losses (our dog Scooter and my friend K.B.) in less than one month without revisiting the place of self-loathing.

Having so recently weathered the storm, I was worried that I would fall again, but was fascinated to observe the difference between grief and depression. I've decided to write about it because I expect that, for many people, grief is as close as they will ever come to experiencing depression.

Much has been written about grief, and the "five stages of grief" popularized by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross include depression as one of the stages:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

But I would say that, as I've bounced back and forth through these stages (and I am by no means "through" my grieving for K.B.), the "depression" stage has been significantly different from classic depression. I think there is a distinction between emotions and mood.

In grieving, I have felt intense emotions, feelings. My own feelings of the so-called depression stage have included sadness or sorrow, regret, loss, longing, and loneliness. There have been plenty of tears and heavy sighs. (The sighs were completely spontaneous and were almost laughable at how frequently they happened.) It sapped energy but also felt cathartic and honest. Rather than withdrawing, I have found a great sense of community with others who shared my sorrow. I've even made new friends through this valley.

Depression, however, is a pervasive mood. On top of the sadness, longing and loneliness, there is despair, hopelessness, irritability, and self-hatred. When my depressions are at their worst, I just want to "make it stop" (though I couldn't really tell you what "it" is) -- by whatever means necessary. I don't feel like I will ever get through it. And I become so enveloped by the bleakness that it is all but impossible to feel empathy, compassion, or connection. Not surprisingly, relationships suffer.

The two states are rather like sisters: they share a lot in common and, from far away may look identical, but, up close, are very distinct.

Here. Have a purring kitty.

I want to conclude with two points.

1. If you've never struggled with depression, but have gone through grief, then you have some idea of the nature of depression.
2. If you are grieving and find you are "stuck" or want to hurt yourself in hopelessness and despair, you may actually be depressed on top of the grief. Get help. And bookmark this article: 21 Tips to Keep Your Shit Together when You're Depressed.

I'd be interested in hearing if any of you have also noticed a difference between grieving and depression. If you've never been depressed, did this discussion help you understand?