Fiction Friday: Spoiler Alert

If you're like me, you sometimes skip to the second-last chapter of a book, just so you can find out how it ends. I always go back to where I've left off, because I'm interested in learning how the author gets to that climax, but I have NO PATIENCE.

Today, I'm letting you do that with Methuselah, for two reasons:
1. I'm kind of bored with Methuselah and need something to jump-start my writing.
2. On Pinterest, I came across the above writing prompt. (I've started a board for Writing Fiction.)

So here we go: The Death of Agnes

Retirement: Keeping the Cogs Turning

Have you noticed that I keep putting the word retirement in quotation marks? There are a couple of reasons for that:

1. It wasn't a planned - or therefore celebrated - event. Frankly, it felt like I simply quit my job in desperation, with no plan for the future. Which is a pretty accurate description, actually.
2. Because I haven't worked at one place for a significant chunk of time, I don't feel entitled to a retirement. In fact, Steve's retirement this summer will be more of a joint retirement. He's earned the celebration and, since I was along for the vast majority of the ride, I'll share in rejoicing.

So I've taken to calling this "pre-retirement."

We are not amused.

This picture was taken later, at an off-leash dog park.

After our less than stellar experience at dog school and his having dragged me to the ground, I decided I needed to give Kane a lot more practice with walking. So I piled on my layers and strapped on his leash and we walked to the pet store to pick up a toy -- something to keep his busy mind occupied for more than 30 seconds at a time.

He was still tugging a lot on the leash, but wasn't being absolutely horrible. Then we got to a -- literally -- slippery slope. A slippery and lumpy slope where two dogs had very recently been playing (so their scent was strong).

Kane trotted down with goat-like ease, while I followed. And then I fell. And then I rolled, kind of in slow motion.

Kane toddled back to me and grinned eagerly, as if to say, "Hey! That looked like fun! Wanna do it again?"

I was not happy, not one little bit. I now had fresh bruises on my recently scuffed knees.

These are the cleats I bought that evening, so slipping will not (I hope) be a problem again!

Being in the pet store almost drove him over the edge (there was another dog in the shop), but we made it out with his toy in hand and proceeded to walk back home, about a 20-minute walk.

This is the toy. You put a kibble or treat in each tray, then align the points.
Kane took about three seconds to figure it out.

Part of the walk home goes through an abandoned school yard -- a big, wide-open space. I figured this was a good opportunity to practice a technique the trainer had shown us the previous evening.

The trainer suggested that I periodically change direction, so Kane will learn that I am the leader, he is not. So that's what I was doing as we walked up the lane-way to the school yard. I would walk a couple of steps forward in one direction then, when Kane started tugging, I would change direction, even step backward.

When we got to the open playground, Kane lost it. He pulled the leash to its fullest extent and started running in circles around me. He wasn't even going after anything this time!

To keep from getting tangled, I was spinning around anchored in one spot, like a whirling dervish. I had talked about teaching Kane how to dance, but this was not what I had envisioned! And then I realized I was actually getting dizzy and that Kane could probably do this for hours.

(I should note that the ground was actually clear of ice at this point, so the cleated boots would not have made a difference.)

So I let go of the leash. Kane had won. Dammit.

He grabbed the leash in his mouth and growled as he ran wildly, like a squirrel on LSD.

At first, I stood there calling him. And then I just stopped because, clearly, it was not effective.

Instead, I turned my back to him and ignored him, like I would a toddler having a temper tantrum.

After a little while, he started looping back to me, so I called him and offered him a treat. Finally, he came close enough for me to step on his leash.

And then he started wrapping the leash around both my ankles. I had visions of him yanking me to the ground and then dragging me feet-first around the playground. (You may think this was accidental, but I tell you, this dog is really, really smart!)

From whirling dervish to dog sled in mere minutes.

So I sat down to lower my centre of gravity before he could pull me down. From there, I finally got his collar, wrested the leash out of his mouth and recomposed myself.

We walked the rest of the way home with Kane on a very short leash.

Since then, we have purchased a "head collar" which seemed to control him significantly better. Until he learned that he could bite the base of the leash and stop the collar from gripping his jaw, thereby taking ME for a walk!

I'll write more about that in another post. In the meantime, we're off to basic training again tonight. We'll see if he can stay in the classroom with the other dogs tonight.

The Sorrow Sisters

Our Lady of the Wayside

I went through a period of depression when I was in middle school, and my best friend couldn't understand what I was talking about when I told her. Was I sad? What was I crying about?

"Haven't you ever been depressed?" I asked in astonishment.

"No," she answered frankly. "I guess I haven't."

We looked at each other like we were from different planets. 

I was surprised to learn that there are people who have never been depressed. Depression has been such a regular visitor in my life that, to this day, it astounds me to meet someone who's never experienced it. Like my own husband.

He's been stressed, exhausted, anxious, sad -- he's experienced many, many of the feelings that go along with depression, but he's never had that prolonged inescapable feeling that spirals down to hopelessness, that makes you hate your life and your very own self.

Last fall was pretty bleak for me as I struggled with health issues, stress at work, and depression that didn't want to budge. It was not until I kicked the first two factors out of the way that the mood finally lifted. In fact, it lifted enough that I've been able to go through two significant losses (our dog Scooter and my friend K.B.) in less than one month without revisiting the place of self-loathing.

Having so recently weathered the storm, I was worried that I would fall again, but was fascinated to observe the difference between grief and depression. I've decided to write about it because I expect that, for many people, grief is as close as they will ever come to experiencing depression.

Much has been written about grief, and the "five stages of grief" popularized by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross include depression as one of the stages:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

But I would say that, as I've bounced back and forth through these stages (and I am by no means "through" my grieving for K.B.), the "depression" stage has been significantly different from classic depression. I think there is a distinction between emotions and mood.

In grieving, I have felt intense emotions, feelings. My own feelings of the so-called depression stage have included sadness or sorrow, regret, loss, longing, and loneliness. There have been plenty of tears and heavy sighs. (The sighs were completely spontaneous and were almost laughable at how frequently they happened.) It sapped energy but also felt cathartic and honest. Rather than withdrawing, I have found a great sense of community with others who shared my sorrow. I've even made new friends through this valley.

Depression, however, is a pervasive mood. On top of the sadness, longing and loneliness, there is despair, hopelessness, irritability, and self-hatred. When my depressions are at their worst, I just want to "make it stop" (though I couldn't really tell you what "it" is) -- by whatever means necessary. I don't feel like I will ever get through it. And I become so enveloped by the bleakness that it is all but impossible to feel empathy, compassion, or connection. Not surprisingly, relationships suffer.

The two states are rather like sisters: they share a lot in common and, from far away may look identical, but, up close, are very distinct.

Here. Have a purring kitty.

I want to conclude with two points.

1. If you've never struggled with depression, but have gone through grief, then you have some idea of the nature of depression.
2. If you are grieving and find you are "stuck" or want to hurt yourself in hopelessness and despair, you may actually be depressed on top of the grief. Get help. And bookmark this article: 21 Tips to Keep Your Shit Together when You're Depressed.

I'd be interested in hearing if any of you have also noticed a difference between grieving and depression. If you've never been depressed, did this discussion help you understand?

My 23 favourite pictures from 2013

Oh, my do I enjoy taking pictures! It's becoming a bit of an obsession, having outlasted several other hobbies and interests I've had over the years. So, here we go -- my favourite pix from 2013.

What makes them "favourites"? In each of these pictures there is something about it that makes me want to look at it again and again.

(P.S. In my first draft of this post, I used the word "love" about 23 times. Those of you interested in writing may be interested to see how I edited to say the same thing in different words without being awkward.)

Produce from the organic food basket we had delivered weekly.

I am drawn to the colours in the food basket.

Our beach, beautiful, even in winter.

I remember the serenity of the beach and the idea of visiting a "summer" place in winter, "away from the madding crowd."

My niece, Melissa, with her fiance, Elvis

I was so happy with how this picture turned out! They are so happy together and weren't planning to do an engagement shoot, so we spontaneously took a few pictures during a family gathering.

Giant's Causeway, in Northern Ireland

This picture is not a spectacular work of art, but does mark a memorable moment of 2013: visiting a landmark that I had always wanted to see.

Creamy cheese in an open market in Ireland

Oh, how the light makes the cheese look so edible. The market was a photographer's delight! Heck, Ireland itself was a photographer's delight!

Ring of Kerry shrine

Sometimes, the composition draws me. (I would like to edit the above picture so there's a little more light on her face, but I love it even as is.

I am captivated by clouds and storms. (Preferably when I have a warm, dry place to hide.) The light in this picture is mesmerizing.

Yellow!

 Sometimes the scenery is just so perfect . . .

Absolutely scrumptious fish & chips

 I do have a fondness for photographing food.

Trinity Library, home of the Book of Kells

Ah, those clouds!

I love the light and simplicity in this picture.

This one just made me laugh. The sheep were quite oblivious to our bus.

This picture almost lets you touch the texture of this headstone.

I didn't take this picture, but it's one of my favourites nevertheless.

You're probably sick of seeing this father-of-the-bride picture about now, but I think I never will be.

Aside from loving this little dog, I'm also happy that I captured the mood in this picture.

Again, the subject is dear to me, but I also like the warm tones and focus of this picture of Scooter.

My flower garden means I get to have fresh flowers in my house all spring and summer, and look at pictures of them through the cold months. Flowers also make delightfully stationary subjects for a photographer to practice with. (Maybe that's why I also like food photography.)

Old architecture is so beautiful, and I especially love the light streaming through these windows.

Over Christmas, I did a lot of food photography, and was very happy to see that I'm making progress. The challenge has always been to get enough light and to get just the right depth of field (i.e., what's in focus and what's blurry). I've also started paying more attention to "staging" -- all the background and surroundings in a food photograph.

I could look at this one every day just for the fact that it makes me laugh. I also like the focus and lighting.

My favourite kitty cat. It's hard to get a good picture of her when she's moving, so I was pleased with this result.

It was quite a year. And here we are, almost with January this year!

Do you take pictures? Do you have faves? What do you do with them? (I add mine to my desktop slideshow and screensaver, so I get to see them again and again.)

Are any of my pictures amongst your favourites?